Addiction Recovery And Marriage. Does AA Break Up Marriage?

It is tremendously difficult to live with an alcoholic. There are generally two types of alcoholics. One group becomes mean with alcohol and many times ill tempered during the daily withdrawals as well. I can’t say I was the mean type but would definitely not be considered congenial during most days until I got my fix in the evening from John Barleycorn. I did a lot of stupid things, thoroughly lacking in the judgment department, but the Hemingway type of drunk I was not.

The other type may not be mean and even may be a nice person—while on alcohol or not. But that alcoholism will still affect the relationship. One, it’s sucking finances out of the couple, not as bad as say, heroin, but that nightly expense may make managing other monthly bills difficult. Also, being around someone who is drunk all the time is not pleasant, whether the drunk is taking a swing at you or sitting quietly in the recliner. Who wants to be around someone who is in an altered state of mind all the time?

But there are the long term effects that the spouse will suffer if the addict doesn’t break from his friendship with Johnny B. Hospital visits will become frequent with exacerbations of cirrhosis of the liver, which will come in the later stages of alcoholism. Basically, the partner will get the great pleasure of watching his or her soulmate die early and slowly.

Many have gotten sober with the threat of their spouse leaving them. Sometimes this is what it takes, when the alcoholic realizes he is about to lose his marriage over his toxic friend, Johnny. I wasn’t married when I was an alcoholic and am not today so my addiction was only affecting myself. But that vow at the alter is invalid if the person on the other side of it decides to become an addict and won’t quit it. No one should live in an addiction infested household.

But it might be a surprise for people to learn that many times marriages end after the addict becomes sober and even stays that way for good. Why would this happen? After all, the person who was once an alcoholic should be much improved now that he isn’t, right? Shouldn’t the couple be on the road that leads to the credits of happily ever after?

THE SMALL BOOK: HOW I BEAT ALCOHOLISM AND WHY ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS DOESN'T WORK

Unfortunately, the go-to for an alcoholic who wants to quit the addiction is the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I remain astounded that we still send people to a program that has such a massive failure rate, but we do. Bill Wilson created this program almost a hundred years ago based on a religious experience of fanatical awakening. It was never based on any science, it was based on spiritual intervention, which The Big Book states repeatedly is the only way to gain permanent sobriety. It was a failure when it was created and remains so today. Somewhere in that almost hundred years, the program should have been modified or gone extinct.

But the program of AA not only fails those trying to gain sobriety, it actively fails the spouses of those people. Many marriages end as the person continues on the journey of sobriety, not realizing that he is traveling into the black forest. It is ironic that sometimes the threat of divorce is the catalyst that forces the alcoholic to attempt sobriety, then if he is in the minority that does stay sober with AA, the marriage ends in the long run anyway. So the rooms have two strikes. They usually fail the alcoholic and fail the spouse as well.

The first scenario will be the most common for those who enter the rooms. Most don’t stay sober. Now AA has endless reasons why those who fail do. Largely they blame the vast majority who don’t make it. They state it is the fault of the alcoholic. He didn’t stick with the steps. He didn’t call his sponsor. He didn’t admit powerlessness and give himself over to the divine. These reasons might be valid if they pertained to a small minority. But when it is the vast majority, the problem isn’t the vast majority, it is the failed program that Alcoholics Anonymous propagates. Period. So the alcoholic tries with AA, fails and then loses his marriage and retreats back to alcoholism once again.

But more perplexing is the one in that minority who manages to stay sober with AA tenets and then gets divorced anyway. Why is this? If the issue was the drinking and the drinking is now over, then what are the problems now? If anything, the marriage should have been vastly improved, not on the outs. Why is this now sober person someone who the spouse wants to leave?

The reason is AA. AA is not a temporary endeavor on a road to cure. They indoctrinate the person into a forever cult. The cult that tells them they are forever diseased, forever deficit and forever an addict. There is no graduation from AA. Many of the members are up and down the steps in the long term. I knew AA members who were ten and twenty years sober, yet in the rooms five and six nights a week.

Let’s look first at the mechanics of being a long time AA member. For example, that one who is in the meetings five and six nights a week. This isn’t something the spouse can share. The former alcoholic has found a hobby that dominates all his off-time. His is not only in meetings, he is now a sponsor. He’s on committees for national conferences. Everything about his life is Alcoholics Anonymous. When they go on vacation, they must make sure an AA house is nearby. For what if that ten year sober person has a sudden craving or trigger? Well, we were going to take a walk on the beach but my husband had to go to a meeting instead.

And this is ridiculous. I rarely have cravings and haven’t since the end of the protracted two year mark. I was greatly improved at the end of month six. If I’m on a beach with a girlfriend, I’m not going to have a conniption fit and have to call a sponsor or run to a meeting. This is because I did not follow the path of recovery AA recommends. And I’m not part of their cult that infiltrates every aspect of any relationship I have. As a matter of fact, if I didn’t mention it, no girlfriend would know I was once an alcoholic. Because I am not fixated on a recovery that never ends like the tenets that AA spews.

But there is the emotional indoctrination that will affect the marriage the most. That is the proper word—indoctrination, no different than the brainwashing of any cult. The cult doesn’t want you to leave. The spouse isn’t going to understand this. Why suddenly the sponsor is the end all of knowing all of everything. So what if my husband stops going to meetings so much? If he isn’t drinking any longer, why is he so bound to them? Does pay it forward service mean he is an indentured servant for life now?

But worse is the emotional damage that the rooms will induce on the newly sober that will affect both him and his future relationships, including the spouse if he is married. That initial indoctrination of the forever addict concept is toxic. Just the fact that the brainwashing of master status is one of disease is bad enough, but the forever part is what will cause strife to the marriage. Initially the spouse may be grateful to AA if the partner is one of the few who maintain sobriety. But a rift will form as he is a forever addict and the other is not. The former alcoholic lives in a new land of never ending recovery that has no commonality with his partner. People who lose commonality don’t usually stay together.

Second, the rooms highly advocate that all must be sacrificed for sobriety. And that includes the marriage. They are their own cult that is closed off to outsiders. They believe only the members of this cult understand each other. This is very much symbolized in the movie, When A Man Loves A Woman. Andy Garcia’s character, opposite of Meg Ryan’s, is very much on the outside of her recovery to the point where they finally separate, the movie ending in an unknown if they will get back together. This is very much a reflection of how it actually happens when one is entrenched in the rooms. Garcia’s character wasn’t the one who screwed up and became an alcoholic, but he is the one under accusation. He just doesn’t understand, only the other members of the rooms, which Ryan’s character is addicted to now. She has her new world and his is left behind. And that film very much reflects how it is in the real world with AA.

This is how recovery should happen. It shouldn’t hurt the marriage, it should totally enhance it. I advocate that the key to recovery and cure is the reinvention of the four planes of being. Fitness. Meditative activity. Enhancement of career or side hustles. The spiritual plane will follow and be fulfilled. Please note these are all things the spouse can share and with which both can be involved. A couple can create that YouTube channel together or combine forces and learn how to trade stocks. They can engage in fitness exercise together or yoga or Tai Chi. Doing positive things together enhance a marriage. AA isolates the former alcoholic with its initial declaration that there is no such thing as a former alcoholic.

 The fact that the rooms keep the spouse outside of the perimeter once again shows what a miserable failed program its premise was. It only offers Al Anon, an extension of the same cult tenets coming from the rooms. It’s bad enough that it fails most and imprisons for life the few who do stay sober, but then it affects outsiders, who had nothing to do with alcoholism, as well.

If you want to recover the marriage, then first, you have to recover the alcoholic who was in it. AA doesn’t offer this, plain and simple. They offer nothing positive physically or emotionally and demand you hand them the key to your new prison cell. The few who make it using the rooms? They may not drink anymore but have a new addiction and that is now AA. The whole reason the spouse sent them to AA was to lose the addiction to alcohol, not create another one.

And this is why Alcoholics Anonymous not only fails alcoholics but those who are life partners with them.  

And to reinvent all of your planes to progress forward check out:

REINVENTION OF SELF: HOW TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND BEING FOREVER 

(Usually free on KDP)

For the condensed and orderly version of how I beat the addiction of alcoholism check out: THE SMALL BOOK: HOW I BEAT ALCOHOLISM AND WHY ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS DOESN'T WORK

(Usually free on KDP)

To journey on a tale of epic transformation on a 2,660 mile trail check out: THE SHEPHERD AND THE RUNNINGWOLF: A PATH TO FORGIVENESS ON THE PACIFIC CREST TRAIL

(Usually free on KDP)

For those who prefer the youtube version click this line

John Barleycorn: taken from Jack London's memoir of his alcoholism. John Barleycorn: First published, 1913